Traffic... with no signals

Very recently, I have been mapping the city and the NCR quite a bit because of my new job. Client meetings, grabbing a coffee and a bite to eat, road, sun-sets, rains, fog, messages, calls, BBMs, facebook, mails, ,more mails, traffic, noise, road rage, coke studio, coke, double-date, smoking, not smoking, fights, smiles, hugs, hunger, and so much more. Grammatically such a long sentence in an English language essay is a sin, so come to life… what can I say! If we crib about the traffic on the road at peak hours, then what do we do about the traffic in our head? And especially when you feel every emotion at the same time – love, confusion, guilt, withdrawal, anger, frustration and helplessness. Now you would think I am PMSing… well really dude these days it is Pre, Present and Post. So basically PERMANENT for most women and men as well (trust me). All I want to do the end of the day is have a bubble bursting word-game over the phone with Mr Hair Gel (you’ll know I don’t like naming people in my blogs), do a bit of farming on my virtual farm on FB (judge me as much as you want, I know you do it too) and sleep hugging my pillow and missing a jacket lately.

But today I chose not to do that! There was too much confusion, commotion and traffic in my head today. I try very hard to blabber it all out to the loving creatures I have around me, who do love me back and can be very patient listener surprisingly. But I feel very lost for words at that time. It is like finding a title for a poem you wrote about your favourite pen and somehow you end up with something as straight as “My Red Pen”. Jeez not that I ever wrote a poem like that! All this so-called “thinking” happed after I could not make it for my most favourite part of the evening… coffee break at CCD Taj Palace.

I realized that while I was in such a rush to make my perfect scrapbook memories, I missed out on the fact that I might not have this forever. I never believed in the saying, “Life is like an ice cream. Enjoy it before it melts.” I have always like things permanent. But here I am happy being a phase of a phase. Don’t get me wrong, I am not cribbing. I am just surprised with myself. Five years back when I was in love, I had felt the same, it is just that then I had wanted the end… not this time.

How lovely the colour green looks. It is my favourite colour these days. And yet it is the colour of envy. I do envy a lot of people. My friends who stay with their parents, my friends who are still away from the marriage pressure and one more person. This is one colour that makes you feel more human than most others. And reminds you that life never has a fairytale ending… neither will mine.

Morbid... Me!!!

Tyrant minds of the feathered folks,

Breaching the Unspoken vows,

Sleeping beneath the unjust sea of emotions,

Lacking the lust of tormented minds,

Blinded by the social norms,

I parade the path of staggering myths,

Long ago i head the tale of the king,

The queen and the estrange mate's gaze,

The irony i felt in the life's crazy tricks,

And I smelt the perfume of death sentence,

For i knew all and none knew me,

Far gone were the life's mysteries.

Withered away… without a sign!!!

You withered away like an autumn leaf,

While I prayed for you to stay,

How far you’ve gone for my shadow’s reach,

It is now tough to even measure the nights and the days in which you sleep,

I look at stars for a twinkle like yours,

Or a radiant smile,

But you are gone… without a note or even a parting line,

I try to tell myself it is true,

But I still feel so numb and I still hear the blues,

I am scared… you might not come back… to see me wither with silver and lines,

When I am too old to remember you and you are not around to be mine.

Convoluted….

It is so quiet in the crowd of thousands,

It is so noisy next to the sea,

The world of words is barely there,

The draught, the dawn and the feather in the breeze!

For I am one, yet none above all,

For I am a martyr, not of soil or by task,

The path of glory is found and lost,

Will I survive or take myself down?

The signs of caution don’t tell a tale,

The dreams have no desires to claim,

The preacher unfolds no lines,

The lies, betrayals and schemes seem so lame.

We all are a never ending story,

Yet so scared of the end,

There is nothing to read between the lines,

Yet we keep reading till our eyes hurt and cry.

It is all in my head and yet the heart gets blamed,

For the words I scribble that have no faith,

It is all very convoluted, convoluted it is,

For noisy and quiet are the same, isn’t it?

i wish i had a title for this one...

Opinions …

Are we allowed to have one these days? Because if we are then, are we allowed to share it with people who ask us for our opinions? Are we supposed to be completely honest about what we think?

We are human being and we always judge… everything and everyone. Some we like and some we don’t. Don’t get me wrong here… I am not saying we hate people or we love. It all starts with a simple like or dislike. I am at an age in life where a lot of young individuals are trying to understand themselves. Though we are in our 20s… I safely tucked in my latter years of the 2s as my friend calls it. Are we still not mature enough to handle situations, meet the right people, and stop making small mistakes that lead to unwanted sleepless nights, or even have a stable aim?

Every time I feel that I have finally got the answers to my questions another one crops up. Like trusting people!!! It is a huge issue these days because most of us are not able to judge what light we want to portray ourselves in. As the gullible little miss-sensitive who will never hurt someone but will always get hurt in the bargain, as the miss-smarty pants who knows it all but is tough to be friends with, or be miss-guarded and never let anyone in your life but in returns she is left alone.

I meet people… almost on a daily basis and there is one thing I learn each day. Like today I learnt to keep my mouth shut even if someone asked me to open it and spell it out for them. My dad always said, “Never advice till you are asked to.” And mom added to it by saying, “Don’t speak unless spoken to.” That is exactly what I did. I spoke when I was asked to… blabbering away my point of view of things and not really speaking on anyone else’s behalf apart from mine. But trust me my dear friends, what comes of it is not good. The whole ‘right to an opinion in a free country’ comes under scrutiny by the people who surround you and call themselves your friends. It is then you realize that it is better to be quiet and mull over your own twisters of life, which mind you are many when I start counting, than do the forbidden talking.

I hate… simply hate being in situations which involves two adults trying to figure out their own relationship. I am no agony aunt and my word is not the last one ever spoken. I don’t understand why women go out of their way in being a fool and I have no idea why men put up with the ‘I am always right’ act. They are so caught up in their lives that they won’t even bother to ask if you are still breathing oxygen or have you taken a liking for carbon di oxide.

I very recently fell in love… ah almost about. But it did not work out. Now if I was to quiz half of the people around me as to what the reason was… they might just have a surprised look on their faces and ask me, “You were in love? When? Who? Tell us everything!”

Arghhhhh… I am tired of talking about who loves who, who hates who, who can’t get what they want or who have too much of everything and don’t know what to do with it. How does all this matter when the ultimate truth is that one day we are all going to die. Then why waste that time on making a blueprint of everything that went wrong in our lives and why not just let the sun in from the window?

Regard this as a technical glitch that I had one night and wrote it… I am not happy that I don’ t even have the help of my words tonight that will let me explain what it feels like to be ‘me’, right now. But maybe another day when the sun shines brighter I shall tell you what it feels like to be in love…

Romance: the definition I was looking for!

So do people still believe in the ‘happily-ever-after’? Do those romantic candlelit dinners still exist? Well what I am really asking is that – does romance still exist? And what is romance? Do we limit it to two individuals from different genders coo chi cooing? I have been confused about this word for a long time. Every time I ask anyone, ‘Are you a romantic person?’ and they would say ‘Yes’. But when I ask to explain the same to me, they don’t really have many words in their vocabulary to do the same. I casually ask a friend recently if he believes in romance and said, “Yes! But for me romance is of a different kind.” I started twiddling my thumb, which by the way is my latest hobby, time pass and my profession these days. What kind and how many kinds are there? “It differs from one era to another, from one generation to another, from one person to another, from one historian to another and even from one Shakespeare’s play to another. For me romance is deliberation of life and then letting myself be with the part I enjoyed the most. And not necessarily the good part, but the part I exhausted myself completely and had to restart for the next victory or defeat,” he said looking at the ceiling as if it was all written there. Even my friend Jerry (remember Jerry from my previous blogs) believes in romance… but does not want to divulge which kind. So for a better insight I, yet again, stopped a traveler who like to walk past fast and raises his eyebrows every time I stop him. I showed him my question and made a face. He said, “This is something I am not open for discussion!” I didn’t want to give up and so I asked him whether he is a romantic person. He deliberated and told me the different dimensions of romance. “For your generation (he is about 10 years elder to me, so I think he is allowed to use that line) romance is limited to dating, which comes with its own expiry date. Yes, I agree that for a lot of people before this generation, it meant courtship or dating as well. But the times and the dedication toward it were different. Again a problem with this generation is that of stability. Not that my generation didn’t lack that, but there were fewer one astray than the count now. You all give too much importance to things that actually mean too little in real test of time. I still can’t fathom for the life of me how it works for all of you,” he said clutching his traveler’s bag firmly. “I romance the feeling of vacuum that will be created after I am gone. Remember what Ashoka did? He gave up on everything not because he didn’t value it but he knew there is more to life than this. He created a vacuum, which the others felt. But he went on to lead a different life. There is more in the nothingness that you can see. When you are too busy saying, ‘that person said this about me, the life is not fair to me, everyone has an agenda against me’, you are blinding yourself from the love of that nothingness that holds the essence. I am no saint, I have made my share of mistakes, but I have looked and looked very hard for the answers. Some of them have been answered and some are waiting to be answered. Now I will leave you with that,” he said with a suppressed smile and walked again, fast. He left me with two words that make me ponder with great pleasure, ‘romanticising idolism’. Though I began asking what my generation thinks can be related to romance, but I now admit that one can romance just about anything and anyone. Am I a romantic? Yes! I have a romance with every line written about life, music and Al Pachino. Is there more to romance with in life? Oh definitely! But for that I have to still prepare myself to look at that nothingness… that vacuum. Now I am going to go back to my very first question, does it have a happily-ever-after? Ah and I found my perfect answer in a quote by Oscar Wilde --- ‘They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.’ Ain’t it romantic?