oscillating thoughts!

I got a message 4 am this morning. I was half tempted to read it and half tempted to sleep and ignore it. But then I finally gave in my inquisitiveness and read what someone, who was thinking about me at 4 am, wanted to say. It is always a strange feeling when one gets a call or a message at strange hours. Though my profession is such that I should be prepared for it, but I still get butterflies in my stomach when this happens. It is like remembering how I used to get a message from my ex or how one day we had heard about my baba (granddad) had died. Within seconds I oscillate from now to then. It was from a friend who is worried about his mother’s sickness. I have realised that only a mother’s sickness or insomnia can keep you up all night. I am partially insomniac, soon to master the degree. But sometimes telling a friend that everything is going to be fine soon gets very scary for me. I have a designer friend, whose dad was really ill. I prayed and always cheered her up that one-day uncle will walk home and everything will go back to normal. We all feel good about hearing things that we want to hear from another person. She felt the same way and we spoke everyday. Me motivating her and she getting motivated! Soon she called me to say that uncle is much better and might be discharged from the hospital soon. I was glad! But the very next day I got a message saying that her father had died. I felt cheated, felt like the one who had cheated and could not fight or explain what I felt. The parameters of my good and bad, God and human, love and hate just come and meet at the same point in such situations and like I wrote earlier – I go quiet. Sometimes hide from the world and sometimes hide from myself. I was hiding from her, for making her believe in what I believed in.
I met this friend of mine after 4 months. In those four months I had cursed myself a million times, rehearsed how I would talk to her a trillion times and changed my job. Met her at a party and there she was. A smile that I knew was to hide all those sleepless nights, a smile that I knew was fake but the world bought that, a smile that she wore on her face pretty well. We met and hugged each other for a whole 5 minutes and it seemed like ages of explaining and crying and talking. But we actually had not even spoken a word. We understood everything and there were no sorrys and thank yous pending. I was very proud of that moment. I was proud of the fact that I have a friend who understands my silences. Just like once I had this chemistry with someone. But that’s history and I have a feeling my post is sounding like history as well. Well there is more to write and more to elarn. I just hope my friend’s mother recovers really fast!
Mandy