Withered away… without a sign!!!

You withered away like an autumn leaf,

While I prayed for you to stay,

How far you’ve gone for my shadow’s reach,

It is now tough to even measure the nights and the days in which you sleep,

I look at stars for a twinkle like yours,

Or a radiant smile,

But you are gone… without a note or even a parting line,

I try to tell myself it is true,

But I still feel so numb and I still hear the blues,

I am scared… you might not come back… to see me wither with silver and lines,

When I am too old to remember you and you are not around to be mine.

Convoluted….

It is so quiet in the crowd of thousands,

It is so noisy next to the sea,

The world of words is barely there,

The draught, the dawn and the feather in the breeze!

For I am one, yet none above all,

For I am a martyr, not of soil or by task,

The path of glory is found and lost,

Will I survive or take myself down?

The signs of caution don’t tell a tale,

The dreams have no desires to claim,

The preacher unfolds no lines,

The lies, betrayals and schemes seem so lame.

We all are a never ending story,

Yet so scared of the end,

There is nothing to read between the lines,

Yet we keep reading till our eyes hurt and cry.

It is all in my head and yet the heart gets blamed,

For the words I scribble that have no faith,

It is all very convoluted, convoluted it is,

For noisy and quiet are the same, isn’t it?

i wish i had a title for this one...

Opinions …

Are we allowed to have one these days? Because if we are then, are we allowed to share it with people who ask us for our opinions? Are we supposed to be completely honest about what we think?

We are human being and we always judge… everything and everyone. Some we like and some we don’t. Don’t get me wrong here… I am not saying we hate people or we love. It all starts with a simple like or dislike. I am at an age in life where a lot of young individuals are trying to understand themselves. Though we are in our 20s… I safely tucked in my latter years of the 2s as my friend calls it. Are we still not mature enough to handle situations, meet the right people, and stop making small mistakes that lead to unwanted sleepless nights, or even have a stable aim?

Every time I feel that I have finally got the answers to my questions another one crops up. Like trusting people!!! It is a huge issue these days because most of us are not able to judge what light we want to portray ourselves in. As the gullible little miss-sensitive who will never hurt someone but will always get hurt in the bargain, as the miss-smarty pants who knows it all but is tough to be friends with, or be miss-guarded and never let anyone in your life but in returns she is left alone.

I meet people… almost on a daily basis and there is one thing I learn each day. Like today I learnt to keep my mouth shut even if someone asked me to open it and spell it out for them. My dad always said, “Never advice till you are asked to.” And mom added to it by saying, “Don’t speak unless spoken to.” That is exactly what I did. I spoke when I was asked to… blabbering away my point of view of things and not really speaking on anyone else’s behalf apart from mine. But trust me my dear friends, what comes of it is not good. The whole ‘right to an opinion in a free country’ comes under scrutiny by the people who surround you and call themselves your friends. It is then you realize that it is better to be quiet and mull over your own twisters of life, which mind you are many when I start counting, than do the forbidden talking.

I hate… simply hate being in situations which involves two adults trying to figure out their own relationship. I am no agony aunt and my word is not the last one ever spoken. I don’t understand why women go out of their way in being a fool and I have no idea why men put up with the ‘I am always right’ act. They are so caught up in their lives that they won’t even bother to ask if you are still breathing oxygen or have you taken a liking for carbon di oxide.

I very recently fell in love… ah almost about. But it did not work out. Now if I was to quiz half of the people around me as to what the reason was… they might just have a surprised look on their faces and ask me, “You were in love? When? Who? Tell us everything!”

Arghhhhh… I am tired of talking about who loves who, who hates who, who can’t get what they want or who have too much of everything and don’t know what to do with it. How does all this matter when the ultimate truth is that one day we are all going to die. Then why waste that time on making a blueprint of everything that went wrong in our lives and why not just let the sun in from the window?

Regard this as a technical glitch that I had one night and wrote it… I am not happy that I don’ t even have the help of my words tonight that will let me explain what it feels like to be ‘me’, right now. But maybe another day when the sun shines brighter I shall tell you what it feels like to be in love…

Romance: the definition I was looking for!

So do people still believe in the ‘happily-ever-after’? Do those romantic candlelit dinners still exist? Well what I am really asking is that – does romance still exist? And what is romance? Do we limit it to two individuals from different genders coo chi cooing? I have been confused about this word for a long time. Every time I ask anyone, ‘Are you a romantic person?’ and they would say ‘Yes’. But when I ask to explain the same to me, they don’t really have many words in their vocabulary to do the same. I casually ask a friend recently if he believes in romance and said, “Yes! But for me romance is of a different kind.” I started twiddling my thumb, which by the way is my latest hobby, time pass and my profession these days. What kind and how many kinds are there? “It differs from one era to another, from one generation to another, from one person to another, from one historian to another and even from one Shakespeare’s play to another. For me romance is deliberation of life and then letting myself be with the part I enjoyed the most. And not necessarily the good part, but the part I exhausted myself completely and had to restart for the next victory or defeat,” he said looking at the ceiling as if it was all written there. Even my friend Jerry (remember Jerry from my previous blogs) believes in romance… but does not want to divulge which kind. So for a better insight I, yet again, stopped a traveler who like to walk past fast and raises his eyebrows every time I stop him. I showed him my question and made a face. He said, “This is something I am not open for discussion!” I didn’t want to give up and so I asked him whether he is a romantic person. He deliberated and told me the different dimensions of romance. “For your generation (he is about 10 years elder to me, so I think he is allowed to use that line) romance is limited to dating, which comes with its own expiry date. Yes, I agree that for a lot of people before this generation, it meant courtship or dating as well. But the times and the dedication toward it were different. Again a problem with this generation is that of stability. Not that my generation didn’t lack that, but there were fewer one astray than the count now. You all give too much importance to things that actually mean too little in real test of time. I still can’t fathom for the life of me how it works for all of you,” he said clutching his traveler’s bag firmly. “I romance the feeling of vacuum that will be created after I am gone. Remember what Ashoka did? He gave up on everything not because he didn’t value it but he knew there is more to life than this. He created a vacuum, which the others felt. But he went on to lead a different life. There is more in the nothingness that you can see. When you are too busy saying, ‘that person said this about me, the life is not fair to me, everyone has an agenda against me’, you are blinding yourself from the love of that nothingness that holds the essence. I am no saint, I have made my share of mistakes, but I have looked and looked very hard for the answers. Some of them have been answered and some are waiting to be answered. Now I will leave you with that,” he said with a suppressed smile and walked again, fast. He left me with two words that make me ponder with great pleasure, ‘romanticising idolism’. Though I began asking what my generation thinks can be related to romance, but I now admit that one can romance just about anything and anyone. Am I a romantic? Yes! I have a romance with every line written about life, music and Al Pachino. Is there more to romance with in life? Oh definitely! But for that I have to still prepare myself to look at that nothingness… that vacuum. Now I am going to go back to my very first question, does it have a happily-ever-after? Ah and I found my perfect answer in a quote by Oscar Wilde --- ‘They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.’ Ain’t it romantic?

Yeah Dilli hai mere yaar

Every time I go home to Jodhpur and then come back to Delhi, I realise how this city has a habit of making me fall in love with it all over again. And yet when I spend each day here, it makes me want to go out and discover another city. I don’t know how the other immigrants of this city feel, but I have the whole love-hate thing going on here. After spending good eight years here at a stretch, I feel like I still don’t know the city too well. And yet I am such a Dilliwali myself. And just when I was trying to understand this arrogant, annoying, beautiful, modified, scary, stylish and self-conscious city I got a mail that I can’t help but share with everyone. These are some typical Dilliwala traits, I have some, I have seen some and I have heard some… quite funny how people observe. 

 

You know you are from Delhi when...

 1. You drink only on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday to Sunday evenings. And try not drinking on Tuesday. Wonder why!
 2. Treating a friend means - Daaru Shaaru te kabbab shabaab.
 3. Even in the most posh colonies, you hear, “Aaloo lelo, Bhindi le lo, Pyaaz le lo, Tamatar le lo...”
 4. And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor, “Bhaiyaa dhaniya hari mirchi nahi diya!” (Even with Half a kilo Carrot - Dhania & Hari Mirch is expected free) ;-)
 5. A place to meet is Mocha, CCD, Barista, Hookah.
 6. You use the word “setting” or “jugaad” at-least once a day.
 7. You have not visited either of - Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple. It is only for tourists, so Delhiites say.
 8. You ride on the cycle rickshaw in NOIDA (more popularly known as NEODA) - haggle over the price, but still pity rickshaw walla’s condition and give him what he asked.
 9. You glare at people who call Gol Guppas as Pani Puri!
 10. You always ask the vendor, “Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?”
 11. Schooling is best in Delhi not because of CBSE, but because you’ve had school cancelled thrice due to cold in winters & summer vacations pre-poned due to sudden increase heat in summers and at least two rainy day off during monsoon.
12. You have been to a wedding at a Mehrauli farmhouse at least once.
14. You call the waiter in the restaurant “boss” or “Pappey” & tack on “yaar” “bhai” to almost every sentence.
15. You know that Pappay Da Dhaba or Kake Da Hotel has better butter chicken than Taj. You’ve at least tried it once! And you see a BMW, a Porsche or a Mercedes parked outside it!
16. You describe practically every other person on the planet as “vella”. (‘Idle’ or Nikamma in Punjabi).
17. You see middle-aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK or Bhelpuri in South-Ex along with Diet Coke!
18. You call every stranger Bhaiyya.
19. You refer to East Delhi as ‘Jamuna Paar’.
20. You refer to AIIMS as Medical.
21. Pretty girls as Totta, Maal or Bamb (Punjabi for Bomb).
22. Aashiq mizaz boys as Majnu di Aulad!
23. You don’t buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to use political contacts... of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi.
24. You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.
25. You have at least two cars and a motorbike at home.
26. And you have fought at least once every month with neighbours over parking.
27. You park your car and take an auto-rickshaw to Lajpat Nagar / Rajouri/ Kamla Nagar/ Karol Bagh. But CP, you don’t get parking space easily, yet you go always in your own vehicle.
28. And then you say apni kanvense (conveyance) howe na ta badi Kanvinyance (convenience) hondi hai ji!
 29. You’ve hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg and waited for midnight to do it.
 30. You have bribed a traffic cop (Mama) at least once, every month.
 31. You know that a farmhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming. It is luxurious hangout for whole night.
32. You use “contacts” (jugaad) for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to play-school admissions.
33. You have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omlette at Dhaula Kuan, Kulfi at Karol Bagh, Gol Gappe at India Gate, Dosa at Madras Hotel, Chana/Kulcha at Scindia House and Chaat at UPSC.
34. Metro rail is your pride but you travel in your car.
35. You call people from North-East ‘chinkis’.
36. You think EVERY South Indian comes from ‘Madras’ and is Madrasi.
37. You feel indicating which way you are going to turn your vehicle is an information security leak.
38. You are a good driver because you are correct in your guess of what the driver in the front vehicle will do.
39. The only time you went to the Chidiya Ghar (Zoo) was on a school picnic.
40. You expect around 10 FM STATIONS in every city! Woho!
41. Despite all the good and bad... You still Love Delhi
42. You keep singing ... Dilli hai Dil Walon ki... Oye Balle Balle!

Read between the lines...

For all is not always lost and everything is not always found! So my trips to the lost and found continue… silently. And yet somehow there are sounds that keep the questions going. And imagines from the past that like to tease and wince. My eyes are open, though my mind is sleepy. Is there anyone who is ready to say, ‘it’s all going to be ok!’? Is there anyone to tell me the way? Or is there still more to read in the lines on my hand?

When Jerry came to Dilli…

Change of any sort is always welcome. Change in the time of the day, change in the place you work, the house you live in, the people you meet and blah-blah-blah. Basically, I could go on and on forever about the advantages. But we all take our different times to adjust to change. However, what if you meet someone who is the change himself and can let everyone be themselves around him and can also be like them in no time? Hey don’t look confused… this is what happened…
On one happy in the head night, I started chatting with a friend on a networking site that I have an account on. Now, I still have no clue how we were on each other’s friend list, but we just were. I had a funny tagline and he asked me about it and we started chatting. In fact, since that day we chatted so much that I got inspired to write my last blog. Yes I am talking about Jerry. Now I have started calling Jerry, the wanted change in my life. This fella (25 biologically and about 16 mentally), is crazy and that I mean in a good way. Now without going in much detail, I am going straight to the day when he came to Delhi. A little background on Jerry – born and brought-up in Dubai, has been in India for 8 years and has seen Mumbai, Ahmedabad, Goa and Pune. So this was Jerry’s first visit to Delhi. I told him that he should not let himself get conned and take a pre-paid taxi from the airport. He did exactly that, but as luck would have it… he ended up with a taxi driver who didn’t know much about Delhi roads. So the distance from the airport to Green Park, which they would have covered in 30 minutes, they took about 1 hr. this is also the first time when I was going to meet him in person, till before that (though I had seen his pictures, ‘Playboy pose especially!’) I could only visualise him as Jerry the smart-ass mouse. But when I went to pick him up from the guesthouse, I saw a sweet-looking boy with a cute smile. OK Jerry if you are reading this then don’t blush!!!

Jerry’s day 1 in dilli…
We first went to my favourite place in Delhi that plays rock and retro music called TC. Now the only thing in my entire life that I have experimented with is dancing and oh yeah music. But when it comes to alcohol, I stick to the very basic fauji style rum and lady like coke. Jerry’s idea was to start off drinking this evening with kamikaze shots. Dude all I could think of was, I will have to cut down on my rum and coke tonight. We had a white smooth drink in one gulp and then Jerry gave his signature style grin and said; ‘Now we can order the regular!’ After gulping down a lot of our regular, we hit the dance floor and danced with everyone we knew and even sang a happy birthday song for this guy who we didn’t know. Actually to be honest, it was a chocolate cake that made us sing for him. Like enthu-cutlets we wanted to party more, so another friend of mine suggested Agni. Now the deal with Agni is that it plays hip-hop, R&B and Hindi. So initially Jerry said, ‘I am not dancing on this man!’ Now come on which man on mother earth lived up to his words after 2 more shots of kamikaze and N number of his regulars? None!!! All I remember from Agni is Jerry pulling strangers to the dance floor, dancing with just about everyone there, even a weird couple and a lady asking me to kiss her. Ok now you guys want to sit on the edge of the seat huh! Don’t worry I am going to spoil your party right here, I declined to do her the favour. After leaving Jerry and my other friends at their homes, I saw the most beautiful sunrise in so many years, while I was on my way home.


Jerry’s day 2 in dilli…
I was surprised when I woke up with no hangover. After wrapping up work and making a rough sketch of what to drink that evening I went out to pick up Jerry. He wanted to see Select City Walk. Quite touristy, eh! Not really, actually Jerry was here in Delhi because of work, but he was trying to make the most of it. So no matter how hard he wanted to see Chandni Chowk and many other places, he just never got a chance to. We went to Select and he loved the space and the mall. We ended up eating at a restaurant called Chi… which later we loved calling Chiiiii! If all this so far seems quite down to earth and normal, then you don’t want to know what happened next. I brought him home because one of my flatmates was hosting a party for a couple of her office friends. Now according to me those people are kind of caricatures, who I can spend hours describing and not even write pun intended at the end. But I wanted to see Jerry’s reaction. And it was as I expected – ‘Dude where are they all from?’ I so wanted to say not from this planet! But compliments to Jerry he found the group quite entertaining. ‘You see I am never around normal people and these guys are humans man. So this time I am not a part of it, but it is like watching a TV and this channel is quite entertaining!’ From Pappu Can’t Dance Sala, Dhoom Tana… we all danced to every number! And while the girls were busy checking out cute Jerry, cute Jerry was busy cracking joke about them.


Jerry’s day 3 in dilli… the final one
I didn’t know what all to show Jerry in Delhi on his last day or rather night in Delhi. On his way to CP, which he had mentioned he wanted to see, he saw Gate Way Of India. Sorry Jerry this part was too tempting to not write about. Actually Jerry has spent too much time in Mumbai and actually forgot that Delhi’s Gate way is actually called India Gate. I showed him a bit of CP, which but of course he liked, another friend of mine and me took him to TC. Well, trust me even he wanted to go there again. Another friend joined us there. No prizes for guessing what we began our evening of intoxication with - Kamikaze Shots. Then we had the regulars, then we had tequila shots, then we had the regular and finally we ended our evening at TC with peach schnapps’ shots. Wow… Jerry and I could have been officially termed as the alcoholics… but trust me we were just happy in the head. After this we obviously wanted to dance, but Agni was shut. So we settled for the quiet and nice Shangri-La hotel’s coffee shop. We ordered our regulars and Jerry and I discussed life. Now one thing I must confess, Jerry can be very mature when he wanted to be. If you have the patience to hear him sometimes, then he can be quite logical. This evening we didn’t want to sleep till at least 7am. But who can be awake after so much of intoxication and on top of that I put on a movie like Sweeny Todd. Jerry slept of and so did I. Jerry woke up and left soon after because he had to pack and also wrap up his work. However, I forgot to mention here that in the three days there is one thing he did religiously, even if he is a self confessed atheist, he had his foot-long glass filled with banana shake. He took the afternoon train back to Mumbai and took with him no pictures, but lots of memories. What he left behind were memories not just in my mind, but in the mind of people he very briefly met. The silly guy that he is, he thanked later for all the fun he had in Delhi. But honestly, I wanted to thank him more for the change he became in my life. So I am not sure if I can continue with the tradition of Kamikaze Shots, but I can definitely meet more strangers and yes even pull some on the dance floor or even go to a strange city, which I don’t know, and tell the taxi driver, “Bhaisaab yeh aap kahaan se gaadi le rahe hoon?”