I could never send this one!

This is just a mail that I was never able to send someone I should have long ago. Now when I read it, it all sounds so stupid. But if I am getting everything out of my system, I should at least make a fool of myself publicly first. Laugh if you have to, call me name if that helps, but do read to do all this. Here it goes…
Hey Spikey,
I really don’t know what to write. This is my first mail to you and I am clueless. But just to remind you I have pasted our first ever chat record (the only one I have by the way so don’t jump off the roof), this is where it all began.
I really don’t know why I came to Goa!!! Was scared till the last moment. Then when I saw you at the airport (white shirt, blue jeans and the spikes, can’t miss them can I?) I realised I had come to meet someone from my yesterday. But I hardly knew you, actually never wanted to know you till august last year. But that little moment of awkwardness when we met and didn’t know how to greet each other, that told me there was something more to all this. I still remember the rose, the auto ride, the stop at the bus ticket shop and the breakfast. I really could have eaten the hot dog, but I was nervous. I don’t know why!
When I first entered you house, there was this breeze that welcomed me... it was as like a welcome home sweet breeze. Your room was, just as I has imagined, a bit messy and also showed the signs of an attempt to make it look like a presentable room. I still remember the silent moment when we were watching the TV and suddenly Di, Smt and Cha came in. I had told Cha that I love her for having pink in her room. Inside I was scared. I was thinking, “Would they like me? What are they thinking right now?” outside I was this confident girl, who knew what she was doing. Actually I did not... I was just blindly following my heart. I wanted to go to Goa to discover myself. But I had never imagined that you would be the one to help me realise what I actually am. The bus ride... oh I can never forget that. My first kiss! First I thought it was wrong, but then u and me who could not stand each other in TODAY, and that day kissing. I could have sung miracle that day. The whole night when you slept, I was holding u tight so that you don’t fall off. My one hand was on you and the other on the grill of the bus and the moon, which gave me company the whole night. I couldn’t sleep that night.
Then of course the whole time you holding my purse outside the lady’s washroom and the guy running behind you and saying, “sirji woh ladies hai!” oh by the way did I tell you, you look adorable when you are asleep.
Then you know what all happened at Goa. For me the beginning matters a lot.
Even when I write something, the beginning has to be different and very attractive… our beginning had no reason. Therefore, we have no reason to end. Strange how life works. I will never promise you to be a perfect girlfriend or whatever in future. But yes, I can promise to be a good one, the understanding one and the loving one.
The best part about you and me is the silence. The silent talk we have when we are together. You know what this means? This means that you and me don't need words to explain what we feel; we just need to be together that's it.
You know I have some hang-ups in life, but you also know I am trying hard to get over them. I have really never fought for anyone or anything before this. But I also realise this is not a battle-field. Do you know what gives me strength? Your naughty smile, the way you look at me, my head on your shoulders and child like face of yours when you sleep.

Slowing down...

I don’t remember the last time I spent time with myself. Quite, alone, doing nothing… just staring at a wall blankly. I hate crowd, where people just want to scratch themselves, look at you as if you are the last women on earth, treat every corner of the city as public convenience and just be a part of the crowd. I want to step aside and be away from this crowd. For a change when they all wear saffron, white and green; I want to wear pink. When everyone is jumping into the pool of success, I want to just pull my feet up on a table and scream, ‘I don’t know how to swim’. When everyone is racing to take the bus, I want to walk so slow that I miss it. I don’t want to sound like a looser, but yes I am tired. At 25, I already have droopy shoulders, and white strands of hair, a prominent laughter line and no urge to PMS anymore.
My god, I know what is wrong with me I am growing old. I have reached a stage when I can’t blame my parents for hyper ventilating for changing my single status, can’t blame my friends for not being in touch, can’t blame my maid for not coming everyday as I forget to open to door for her and definitely can’t blame the God… I always knew the rules of being a human. Aging is something that I can’t stop, but yes I can stop cribbing.
I wrote all this because I am not the only one going through these mini frequencies of strange behaviour. We all our, but we never stop to realise that we were not always like this.
I am a very carefree person, smiling all the time, making people smile and the only odd one who loves Sunflowers. I had just forgotten all this. I am planning to slow down a bit. Take time to look at my frown lines and smile to enhance my laughter line and even take pleasure in that. Today I got time to remember myself. And so I write this to make a confession that I am not insane… I am just a human being. Damn… where have I heard that line before?