I have done it again. After 11 years, I have done it again. I hope god forgives me. But human emotions tend to make people do strange things. I am a human being too. I get hurt too, have faith on a person and get betrayed; even I get chocked because of see my dreams get crushed. 11 years back I had stopped talking to the father of the one who gave me form and identity – my mother. Stopped taking to a man who said he loved me more than any of his own children. I stopped talking to a man who left his wife for another woman, without explanations, without saying a word. He expected her to understand every silence and every action. She tried and eventually died. I am glad she did, because with her died the nightmare that she saw with open eyes. I stopped talking to a man who never bothered about the six children he had. His hand was never there on their back to pat them, to slap them when they were doing something wrong or to stop them from going on the wrong path. The fact that I write about him without really caring about the fact that he is still my mother’s father says it all. I don’t hate him, I love him no more. For me he does not exist. But a very strong emotion can do this to anyone.
I have done it again. I have stopped talking to that child who I thought was her shadow. Through him she still lived for me. I still haven’t cried because of disbelieve. I still can’t believe that Pinku masi died. But now her son has killed her again. She scarified every moment of her live when she was alive, so that he does not grow-up to become like his drunkard father. I was scared for him I loved him. He was my younger brother more like my son. But he has forgotten what his mother was like. And what she used to do for him. He made promises and at every step kept failing to fulfill them. He says he will become someone big one day, but still does not work on standing on his own feet. I can’t jolt him anymore and remind him. I can’t dream for him anymore. My eyes are tired, I am tired. I felt the same chocking feeling today as I had felt 11 years ago. I wish from god that I don’t feel like this again. I have cut him out of my life for not respecting the values, dream, morals and hard work put in for him. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am doing something really wrong. But I have done it and I am too stubborn to go back now. I don’t regret this and I never regretted what I did 11 years back. I am not a great human being, I forgive but I don’t forget. I don’t scream, but I go quiet. I don’t cry… I just cut the person out of my life. I am not hurting anymore…
